one of those weeks...

i used to cry a lot... my first semester of college, i cried everyday... every bible study, every bcm (bsu then) event, in my room... i cried a lot... i don't know why - but i did... when i moved to the northwest, i cried sometimes, but not as much...

within the last several months, i haven't cried that much... maybe once a month or three or four times a month... but not once a week... and not everyday...

i went to a memorial service this week for a lady i worked with for a short time last year... she was a volunteer in the library where i worked part time... the lady was amazing... she came in almost every day - she wasn't in the greatest health - she could barely get enough breath to just walk around, much less get up and down of the step ladder to reshelve books and shelf read... once she ran out of breath, she would go in the office and sit down and put labels and book covers on the new books... and who knows what else... she volunteered for 5 years... she was there almost every day, except when she would go to the church and help clean the pews with a group of ladies called the "pew angels" - she and her husband had been missionaries and i never heard her say a negative word about how she was feeling or her life... she would speak her mind and was very animated, but would always talk about how good the Lord is and what He was doing in her life... she read books like crazy... she would take home some books from the library - tough books that i wouldn't dare tackle as a seminary student - and she'd read them cover to cover... she read everything... one of my favorite books is blue like jazz, and i shouldn't have been surprised when she took that home to read, too...

she was not bound to this life - she kept begging for God to let her go home when she was bed-ridden a few months ago... when patsy and april (the library workers) went to go visit her a couple of months ago she said, "now don't you pray for me like those young people do for me to get better... i'm ready to go home..."

her life told a story of faithfulness to God like few others i've heard before... and i'll be honest, most of the time, when i've heard the stories of faithfulness and devotion to God, they've been stories of little old ladies who devoted themselves entirely to God and His church and His mission... they are selfless, behind the scenes, diligent, strong women...

i sat there listening to story after story... and it started to get to me... what will be said about me at my funeral? will it be story after story about silly antics that i was involved in? will it be stories about all the places i've gotten to travel or something else unrelated at all... i would love to think that it would be stories of devotion to God, but i've got to be honest and say it wouldn't... and that breaks my heart... i feel like so many in gladys' generation have that same devotion to God and to the church and i feel like many of my generation have missed it... i know things are different now than 50 years ago, but when will we get back to the point where faithfulness to God and the church are vital to the christian life... not just the exception but the norm... i feel like it's become so watered down... like church has become this buffet line, where i only take the stuff i want and then i leave the things like set-up that i don't like to do because it would make me get out of bed earlier on sundays than i do now...

don't get me wrong... i think it's possible to serve the church without serving the Lord - and that's not what i'm talking about it all... but there is definitely a correlation between serving God and being a servant within a local body of believers... i think we've missed that part far too often... we've mixed up ideas about the church and turned it into a place full of hypocrites in our minds... and i don't mean that we have to serve at an actual church building, but to serve within a body of believers - even to the point when it becomes uncomfortable...

one of the things said about gladys at her memorial service was that she had once said, "it takes me 10 minutes to get from my car into the church, but i'd rather struggle those ten minutes and get to be in God's house than sit at home without the struggle." i've often been one who has been defeated by the idea of the struggle...

and i don't think it's necessary for me to pattern my life after someone as a cookie cutter image... but i really think that looking at her example says that i need to stop and re-evaluate some things...

there's also this huge issue of a move... i am still in the application process for journeyman, but it seems to be quickly making it's way to the back burner, while another opportunity is pushing it's way to the front burner...

i feel like my decisions and emotions are so up and down... i'm surprised i'm not manic depressive... but i was so gung ho about jman - and it's kind of fizzled... was that God getting me ready to move and jman just isn't the thing? do i need to suck it up and keep pursuing jman? i've never been one to actually write down pro/con lists... they don't really help me - i just write what i want to see... a lot of the time i make up my mind quickly... but the move is a big decision... and i feel like jman comes with a lot of cons... 1) in 2 years, i'd still be without something concrete to do - i would be coming back to the states again having to start all over... 2) the nw has been a lonely place for me... i've learned a lot, but the majority of the time, i feel alone... i know the jman program would be same song, second verse... it's inevitable... 3) i've spent 2 years away from home, jman would be another 2 away from home... 4) i'd still be unsettled... 5) i feel like i'd lose touch with another big group of people in my life...

but just because there are cons doesn't mean it's automatically out... i just really don't know for sure what i'm supposed to do... i used to say the term for definite - i don't know anything for definite...

the new occupant of the front burner would be a great opportunity and a move that i never thought i'd make... in fact, a few months ago, i would have laughed at the possibility... i had laughed it off quite a bit... but now, it doesn't seem strange or funny at all... it seems like a good opportunity to do something that would be great for me, for a friend and for ministry... but if it's not the right thing, i don't want any part of it... there's a lot to decide and pray through...

but between all of these things this week and the departure of a coworker who i had grown to love and appreciate, it's been an emotional week...

i am glad it's friday - and with this weekend comes a fun roadtrip to seattle with alyssa to hang out with our friend emily... i'm going to charge my camera battery when i get home today, so there should be fun pictures to come next week... we're going to do some tourist-y stuff in seattle that alyssa and i have never done...

i left work at 3:00 yesterday because i didn't have anything to do... it's now 3:38 and i don't have anything to do again... i'm thinking i might sneak out in just a little bit... i've got my desk all cleaned off... so it may be about time...